Buy a Tesla Model S; then I shall be stroked

Friday April 12, 2013
03:11 am

Dear Ivan & Zari,

First off, this Ivan & Zari or Zari & Ivan business is not going to work for me so how about we just abbreviate it to Zarivan, eeh? That works for me, and I’m sure you two will get the distant allusion to Kimye, Brangelina and the like.

So, here we are. You’ve never heard of me, which is just as well, as I’ve had just about all I can take of the two of you popping up in the newspaper that I pay for. It annoys me that so many column inches, usually filled with bad spelling and atrocious grammar, are dedicated to following your exploits as you gallivant all over Kampala in your gaudy outfits and flash motors. It especially annoys me at this time in the morning because my cat died yesterday, I can’t sleep and when I tried reading the gossip pages, in the vain hope that I would be either bored to sleep or tickled to tears, there you two were. Living it up, while my cat sleeps the sleep of the dead, my poor precious kitty!

Zarivan, what exactly is the point of you two? Why are you in the papers? Yes, I know we are a gossipy people and we seem to be evolving into a nation of show-offs, voyeurs and Johnny-come-lately’s. But you people just seem to be … attracting tabloid attention like white on rice. What’s that about? Are you paying for it? Can’t you just go and spend your money in discreet places like other people with serious money? I’m not saying you have serious money but more about that later. Surely, people like Mbiire and Martin Aliker like to push a pint, especially that Aliker, that one looks like he does a Johnny Walker Green or Blue, but you don’t see him all over the place fwaa, with balebeesi as if a sailor on shore leave. Why don’t you go and catch your pints where other loaded people go? Is it because there they don’t allow those of Red Pepper sijui Gossip Pages?

I realise y’all probably don’t know Aliker but at least ko you know Mbiire. Anti the one whose mother Bobi Wine and Juliana did a duet for. A duet is when two people, ideally a guy and a chick, sing a song together. Man, I’m not dissing you, its just that I’ve never heard either of you speak so I can’t assume stuff. Kati, both those guys, ok for Zari’s case lets add a chick … umph … how about Sarah Bagalaaliwo? … and Sarah are proper loaded. Their money has money. Like when you have an overgrown afro and they want you to cut off your hair, they tell you your hair has sprouted hair. Kat those people have a serious dime but you don’t see or hear of them kwetalaring all over the place like grasshoppers, do you? Why, because they have class, by the fusoload.

Kati mwe, what is your problem? Mwagala tubalabe nti mulina class?! That one, just chill kubanga tekiliyo. You can’t buy class, however much you want to pay. Bibuuze a certain honorary Professor, who btw has more dime than both of you and your children combined. So, is it a question of showing us nti you have dime? But that one we already saw, and know. You guys went to SA, got your hustle on and made a dime. Whatever y’all do or are rumoured to do, for real, tebitukwata ko unless or until it starts to involve children. If it ever starts to involve children or their parts then we shall get very concerned, very quickly! We know you have a dime okay, there’s no need to drive up a different car whenever you come on holiday. And as for your cars, nga we have seen cars in Kampala, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last!

Twalaba eza Desh, then eza Ezra, then eza Lydda neza Meddie oba ne Shanifa mmuteekemu? Atte nze ndabye ko eza abantu abasinga ko abo ku mpiisa, wharrup Hajji Speedo, kiri kitya? Kati muleese Lambo, what’s next? If you really want to stroke us, okay me, you bring a Tesla Model S then I’ll allow. If you can beat the 2 year waiting list for that ride, then you have clout and I shall allow.

Volvo 960 in case you were wondering. Yup, that’s my ride. I know my shit.

As I was saying, we’ve seen new money (omuzungu agamba nouveau riche) chaps come and we’ve seen them go. For me the difference with you guys is that your young parents and I hear mbu, Zari, you’re from Jinja like me. Seriously? Are you one of the Iganga Road chotties or one of the Lubas Road ones. Naye if you’re from Iganga Road … you Iganga Road chaps are deadly, simanyi even Adam Kalungi’s dad lives on Iganga Road. Anyway, ebyo bili mu Kotti. Tuvekubikadde.

New money comes and it goes. What will you have to show for it in 10 years? When Ivan has a potbelly and Zari’s chottie blood kicks in with the varicose veins and extra weight? Lwaki temubela nga Ashish Thakkar? Charlie yava eyo e’Rwanda mubiseera bya genocide nakola ka duka ka computer awo ku Kampala Road, kati wuyo eyo e’Dubai agenda ne mu space. Akozee ne Foundation eya ddala sibino ebyamme mbu mutwala powder milk ne sabuuni e Sanyu Babies home ku Christmas! Ashish temumumanyi? Naye namwe mukoya! Kyova mubela eyo e’Kabalagala in some dodgy joint hanging out with balebeesi nti ‘Tycoon Party’. Tycoon Party when you have simanyi Aqua Sipi water on the table, some Guinness and a bottle or two of whiskey? You want to stroke us with a party? Close down Speke Resort for an invite only all weekend party and import all the drinks from like Russia or Ibiza then we shall be impressed. Nvudde ne kku point.

This is what I’d like to suggest. Sit down with someone who manages private wealth, like Daniel here (Yo, Daniel, why’d you stop sending me free tips and stuff?). Let him or her, design for you guys a strategy to grow your money into proper wealth. Like an investment fund or something. Ivan, olimusajja muganda, buy like a coupla square miles in eastern UG and set up a proper commercial farm yeah for your ‘tooke ne nyama, everyone’s gotta eat right? Then, create a venture capital fund like Zain did and look for all those bright young chaps who are onto the next big thing in UG. Give them some of that money you’re spending on enriching bar owners, fuel stations and tabloid journalists and in return ask for equity in their companies. It’ll be more worthwhile than just pissing that money away on sijui ‘Tycoon Party’, ‘All White Party’ and whatever else you got going on. And if these different enterprises succeed, which they should if you hire people like my cuz Dickson to help you out, well then, suddenly you’ll find yourselves shareholders in lots of companies! Then y’all can do your SA hustle half the year and spend the other half here, instead of this summer business that you seem to be on. I promise you, then and only then, shall we start calling you ‘Boss’ without you having to pay for it.

And while we’re at it, mwattu Zari, bika ko kumubili. I saw two photos of you and I feel like I … know … you. Its bad enough Lugudde might have seen ko naye nawe you’re a ‘married’ woman, show the man some respect, cover up already.

Then after you secure your financial future, how about you make some social advances? Get a personal dresser to advise you on your wardrobe choices; lose the flashy outfits and gaudy jewellery and get you some high-end shit. In other words Ivan, no more of those oversized blingey watches, get a Patek Philippe or something, I’m a TAGHeur man myself but you look like the type who’d wear a Kobold so, to each his own. Make an effort to look the part. Lose the balebeesi. Eyo e’Munyonyo muveeyo, buy an estate in Lubowa or Nakasero with room for a pony (Don’t bother trying to click this reference to pop culture, I absolutely guarantee that you will fail), a swimming pool or a tennis court. Host an annual blacktie benefit for charity and, crucially, be seen to deliver the proceeds to said charity. Get your sons into public school. Set up college funds for them to either go to Oxbridge or the Ivy League colleges. Hire a PA or something, someone to get you into places where you’ll rub shoulders, and bar stools, with the Mbiires and the Alikers. Wemunatuuka awo then the recognition you seem to crave might just start to come your way.

And Zari, a true Boss Lady doesn’t run a ka boutique … she owns the whole goddamn mall!

Nze ngenze kwebaka.