I love my girlfriend, so I do not kiss her or fondle her or in any way act towards her in a manner that will lead her to sin. Sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, does it not? I mean, you’d think that if I loved someone then I would do everything in my power to make them happy, even if that meant, yes, kissing them and all.
I want to be a DJ like Alex, play the guitar like Carlos Santana, swim like Ian Thorpe – no scratch that, I don’t want feet like his, dude got feet like a yeti – I wanna swim like … Jimmy Alemiga, be witty like Ernest Sempebwa, write like Frank McCourt, cook like Sam Patel and yes, drive like Sam Ssali. If Sam was driving today, believe you me, you would not have a Zimbabwean fresh out of his teens – Conrad Rautenbach – showing matures like Emma Katto a thing or two, like, a few hundred metres of dust. But more than all of that I want to be the best future husband to my girlfriend, fiancée to be exact, but she don’t know that yet (there’s the small matter of graduation, weaning her mother of her, asking her dad for her hand, and, a small chunk of sparkly carbonized coal).
So being a good future husband, current boyfriend, to my future Queen, my beautiful sapphire, my priceless … how blasé is it to describe the woman I love in terms of stones? Yeah I know, moving right on. Like I was saying, being a good man to my woman, means I must by rights deny her the pleasures of sin. Now we’re entering the twilight zone. What is sin and what is it that I doing would be classified as sin? I’ll tell you, kissing her. Yes, kissing her. And there you were thinking that I was going to say something really horrid like … gluttony, envy, sloth, avarice, pride, voting for the Movement and the other seven deadly sins. Mbu!
My faith does not encourage close encounters of the physical kind betwixt unmarried young ‘uns. My interpretation of my faith that is. I know … treading on eggshells and running the risks of alienating a friend or two here … people who don’t share my (newly) puritanical world view and by the way, some of them are more “conc” than I am. So there, the next time the worship leader goes like, “lets just raise holy hands and begin to praise the Lord…” you might want to ask yourself if those hands have lately been praising the Lord’s creation, gliding over a cheek here, stroking an upper arm there, hesitating at the point where waist meets hip , you get the picture.
The part that I don’t get is how you date, kiss, canoodle, snuggle, fondle, yada yada yada and … don’t get all the way to home base. I just don’t get it! (expln below) You cannot just be there chilling in the twilight zone without getting bored and wanting MORE! I don’t get it! That’s why there are so many young unwed parents in the church. You be there chilling after bible study or cell or fellowship or whatever, then y’all start kissing, then – after a few weeks/months of doing that – you just get to the point where she gives you a certain look or your hands find the f-spot or dammit dude, you’re just too damn horny to care that Jesus aint gonna be too thrilled so you … get your nasty on. And being the good Christian that you are, of course you did not have protection, you’re not that kinda person, so nine months later the white stork – is there ever a black one? – delivers a lovely bundle of joy. Now you’re standing at the pulpit looking out at the KPC central auditorium wondering, Pastor Chris next to you, his face a study in feigned pained disappointment, how it all came to this.
Therefore, in conclusion, I love my girlfriend and because I love her I will not put her in harm’s way, however much I want to just kiss her ohsosoft luscious cherry red lips. I have just one condition – who gives God conditions? That’s right, I do – I will be wed in a church that allows the Pastor/Reverend/Priest/Rabbi/Guru to intone these most magical of words, “you may now kiss the bride” at which point I will plant a smacker on her passionate enough to make Lady Chatterley herself blush like a ripe tomato.
(expln) I do not speak from ignorance. I speak from the pain of experience. Some demons are better left asleep or else, like Samantha in Sex & The City, you will have to feed the monster. Repeatedly.