i love my girlfriend.

I love my girlfriend, so I do not kiss her or fondle her or in any way act towards her in a manner that will lead her to sin. Sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, does it not? I mean, you’d think that if I loved someone then I would do everything in my power to make them happy, even if that meant, yes, kissing them and all.

I want to be a DJ like Alex, play the guitar like Carlos Santana, swim like Ian Thorpe – no scratch that, I don’t want feet like his, dude got feet like a yeti – I wanna swim like … Jimmy Alemiga, be witty like Ernest Sempebwa, write like Frank McCourt, cook like Sam Patel and yes, drive like Sam Ssali. If Sam was driving today, believe you me, you would not have a Zimbabwean fresh out of his teens – Conrad Rautenbach – showing matures like Emma Katto a thing or two, like, a few hundred metres of dust. But more than all of that I want to be the best future husband to my girlfriend, fiancée to be exact, but she don’t know that yet (there’s the small matter of graduation, weaning her mother of her, asking her dad for her hand, and, a small chunk of sparkly carbonized coal).

So being a good future husband, current boyfriend, to my future Queen, my beautiful sapphire, my priceless … how blasé is it to describe the woman I love in terms of stones? Yeah I know, moving right on. Like I was saying, being a good man to my woman, means I must by rights deny her the pleasures of sin. Now we’re entering the twilight zone. What is sin and what is it that I doing would be classified as sin? I’ll tell you, kissing her. Yes, kissing her. And there you were thinking that I was going to say something really horrid like … gluttony, envy, sloth, avarice, pride, voting for the Movement and the other seven deadly sins. Mbu!

My faith does not encourage close encounters of the physical kind betwixt unmarried young ‘uns. My interpretation of my faith that is. I know … treading on eggshells and running the risks of alienating a friend or two here … people who don’t share my (newly) puritanical world view and by the way, some of them are more “conc” than I am. So there, the next time the worship leader goes like, “lets just raise holy hands and begin to praise the Lord…” you might want to ask yourself if those hands have lately been praising the Lord’s creation, gliding over a cheek here, stroking an upper arm there, hesitating at the point where waist meets hip , you get the picture.

The part that I don’t get is how you date, kiss, canoodle, snuggle, fondle, yada yada yada and … don’t get all the way to home base. I just don’t get it! (expln below) You cannot just be there chilling in the twilight zone without getting bored and wanting MORE! I don’t get it! That’s why there are so many young unwed parents in the church. You be there chilling after bible study or cell or fellowship or whatever, then y’all start kissing, then – after a few weeks/months of doing that – you just get to the point where she gives you a certain look or your hands find the f-spot or dammit dude, you’re just too damn horny to care that Jesus aint gonna be too thrilled so you … get your nasty on. And being the good Christian that you are, of course you did not have protection, you’re not that kinda person, so nine months later the white stork – is there ever a black one? – delivers a lovely bundle of joy. Now you’re standing at the pulpit looking out at the KPC central auditorium wondering, Pastor Chris next to you, his face a study in feigned pained disappointment, how it all came to this.

Therefore, in conclusion, I love my girlfriend and because I love her I will not put her in harm’s way, however much I want to just kiss her ohsosoft luscious cherry red lips. I have just one condition – who gives God conditions? That’s right, I do – I will be wed in a church that allows the Pastor/Reverend/Priest/Rabbi/Guru to intone these most magical of words, “you may now kiss the bride” at which point I will plant a smacker on her passionate enough to make Lady Chatterley herself blush like a ripe tomato.

(expln) I do not speak from ignorance. I speak from the pain of experience. Some demons are better left asleep or else, like Samantha in Sex & The City, you will have to feed the monster. Repeatedly.

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i love my girlfriend.

15 thoughts on “i love my girlfriend.

  1. magoola says:

    Alemiga Swims? Iwaya, that is the same Celtel billboard Jimmy I was telling you about.

    I don’t know what to say about this. I could be rational and find a way of condoning this kind of restraint or I could just be a jack ass and tell you to imagine a situation where something sorta happens and somehow you break up before you take a dive in that pool.Wouldn’t you want to reverse time so that you could do the things you neglected to do?

    And yeah, FIRSTIES SUUUUUUUUUCKERS!!!

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  2. Woo! 😮
    Strange turn of event, here. I knew if we let this comrade out of the circles for long, he’ll get hitched.
    Deep shit, even though I have a few jagged words I’m hanging onto on this. 🙂

    Like

  3. Fujitsu says:

    I see what this: damned if you do, restless if you don’t.

    Unfortunately, there is no real solution except the obvious one: get married today.

    And Deg, sex is not nasty. Besides there are other ways of feeding the monster. No disrespect intended, I’m just sayin’.

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  4. “Abstainer
    A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.’
    Ambrose Bierce, Devil’s Dictionary

    for the record, i like the new you. just that am high on these quotes to today.
    but if you keep watching sex and the city, it is going to be harder to keep your hands off her.

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  5. for the record people,
    i wrote that post like a few months ago…
    i wrote it on my ex’s laptop, bse mine crashed, then somehow her dad found and read it – her version of events – and since then, according to her, he’s been treating her with new found respect! if only he knew!

    Anonymous,
    thanx 4 d tip, i’d tried it n it hdnt worked so i took the long cut

    Iwaya,
    her love language is affection, physical affection, u fill in d blanks

    Fuji,
    oh yes there are so many other ways of feeding the monster, some of which i will be indulging in 2nite. i’ll start with “Shadow of the Wind” by Carlos Luis Zafon. qn is, in my boxers, what would u do? n yes, sex is beautiful.

    Magoola,
    Jimmy is a Commonwealth swimming Champ! have u 4gotten how badass we Jinja Club kids were? and yes, i would hate to take a hike before taking a dive in d pool, i really would.

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  6. CB says:

    this is the other deg some folks like CB here didn’t know. and o how sincerely you write this! i could feel the conviction/the determination with which wrote this threating to burst. and deg, you know how this reassures those of the many who have been in the blink of giving in! and yeah, iwaya, the shine still shines! mr. magoo might want to learn that sometimes it’s better to die holding on. that is the case in ‘the concubine’ -ekweume dies before tasting the forbidden one…though he would have, according to him, gone singing onto the spirit world had he tested ihouma first, i still feel he dies gentlemanly when he dies without betraying ihuoma’s principles. and those of their culture. beautiful, beautiful this, deg.

    Like

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